Satal de Rihannsu (satal) wrote,
Satal de Rihannsu
satal

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I read a poem recently on sweetprince 's journal...  And it hit incredibly hard.

The content described a painful realisation that I have had about myself lately.  I'm burying myself in the real world to do two things (I think):

1.  To hide from how much I need to use all my perceptions
2.  To find even in shallow achievements victory.

I'm hiding within a comfort zone.  My whining and wallowing (as I should have known already) is symptomatic of shallow stupidness.

But...  I don't wanna have to work for satisfaction.  At the same time, I keep feeling the awfulness of my actions and thoughts welling up in the back of my mind

And there are things that I do want to accomplish in this real world -- even if they are ephemeral pleasure.  I have no guilt about that.  I don't think it's purely materialistic.  I want to make images with content, tell stories that are entirely untrue and are purely referential and filled with love and lust without guilt and misery.  I dearly want to be a pornographer.  I like porn.  I love porn.  Well-drawn, beautifully erotic pornography or deliciously written, sensual words arranged to inspire sexual urge...  It's what I care about most in this world.  It sounds so very strange, even to me, but it's what I love.  Artwork and literature in general, with a focus on the Romantic and the erotic.

Somewhat related to this:  Watched the film Enchanted last night.  Sent me to a deep dark hell place.  Hate this.  Lots.  Movie made me mad.

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