Satal de Rihannsu (satal) wrote,
Satal de Rihannsu

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The past eight years I have spent in numb, dumb stupor. The first election I participated in was 2000, the first tyranny of Bush.

I remember being incredibly idealistic. In that time, I framed my ideology on peaceable anarchy. I thought that most humans were at their core kind and good, willing to work together and made decisions that, based on all information, would benefit them.

Since that time, I've come to think of most humans as unworthy of life, best off if dead or never born. I feel intense hatred for most people upon meeting them. I can't find in myself a reason to care about anyone except those in my immediate circle.

This is incredibly upsetting, mostly because I've always wanted to be a knight who can care and strive and save the good but weak. And I can't do that if I hate.

Of course, neither do I feel that I can make any kind of significant dent in the world. Most worthy members of history have already by 23 started. And I am just a mediocre student in a mediocre college.

Here's a thought that I've been dicking about with in my head. For the past long while, I've had to be very careful about creating a front to present to others. Since I was taken out of school, pretty much. Then, I had to act non-crazy to prove I wouldn't bring a gun to school and kill everyone. Then I was in my grandmother's clutches. Then I spent a semester in college, and was trying to impress everyone whilst hiding in my room... Then, and then... and then... At Virginia Tech, I had to remain employable, and then two years again under my grandmother's thumb. I've forgotten a lot of what might be called a "natural" me.

I don't know who to be right now. I don't have an identity, or an archetype, to cling to.

Maybe my earlier pleas for a queen were really a cry for... instruction?

Who am I? What do I care about?

I'm hopeful, though. I'm hopeful that maybe a world change will help. Maybe and outside-in approach is more necessary.
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