Satal de Rihannsu (satal) wrote,
Satal de Rihannsu

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Self-pitying doom.

Looks like I actually am a dumbass.

Calculus.  It's kicking my ass.  I thought I was brilliant all this time.  Nope.  Not a clue.  When I have notes to follow, or identical examples in the book, I'm fine.

Seems Andrew's been right all this time treating me like an idiot.  ARGH!

Take this one:

lim u->3 (u^3-27)/(u^4-81)

Now, I KNOW this is simple.  But I can't FACTOR the numerator.  I know I have to get a binomial with a "u" and a "9" (or "3"?) in both the numerator and the denominator for cancelling each other out, but...  I'm stuck.  I don't KNOW which way to go first.

Oh, yes, and I can't factor in my head worth shit.

So, that math major?  Fuck that.  It's not going to happen.  If I can't even do calculus, I'm doomed and, worst of all, DUMB.

I don't think I'm going to make it in my Honors College probation.  I don't think I can get an A in calculus.  If I work my tail off, I'll proably get a substantial B, but A?  I don't think so this time.  At least, based on my homework.

Maybe if I could do all the practice problems?

I don't understand why I can't get this!  I've NEVER had trouble getting an idea on the very first try!  Never ever ever!  And even in class, I can understand....

It's those damn identities.  How do you just intuitively know which approach to take to get to an end?  Sure, a million things you could do to an expression would make it TRUE... but wouldn't get you very far in a problem.
Fucking identities.  I don't like dealing with bipolar people, and I don't like dealing with bipolar equations.

Also, went to a bra shop today.  My first time going to such a place.

Did you even know there was a cup size called J?  There is.  And it's me.  This is a boutique specialising in difficult sizes.  And they didn't have my size in a bra that dealt well with my shape.  I feel like the ugliest, dumbest thing in the world.

Making this even worse is the fact that weird guys keep kind of hitting on me.

Now I know that it seems a litte backwards:  I get hit on, therefore I feel ugly and freakish.  But here's how the logic goes.

The people who have thus said things to me are.... well, strange people.

Oh, yes, for the first time, I was asked when I get off of work.  It was this Russian guy who works at the Subway across the street from where I work.  He asked to see me after work, and when I told him I had to go home, he asked to see me there.  Later (mind you, this is after I had told him I was engaged), I went to Subway for lunch.  I got my food, but he only charged me two dollars.  When I opened my cookie bag, there were three cookies in stead of one.

Meaning, I think, that this guy thinks I'm still up for grabs.  Which means he may think me desperate, or loose.  Neither is falltering.

One of the other guys was just drunk.

Another just stared and stared at me for ages.  I tried to be polite.  "Anything else I can help you with?  No?"  Go the fuck away.  Instead, he stands there and tells me what a beautiful face I have.  So miserably uncomfortable.

SO...  I feel like a desperate, loose, fat hussy with a decent face who is attractive to drunks, freaky people, and my lover.  Not that I associated Cat with these people, but I know that Cat loves ME.
I feel gross.  At lesat Cat always makes me feel special.

We went on a beautiful date last night to a high class hibachi and sushi place.  I got to play with my pitiful Japanese, but everyone smiled when I tried, so maybe it was appreciated.  Or maybe I was at least an amusing gaijin.

Oh!  Good news!  Did you know there was a collected Harley Quinn book?  Did you know she had her own comic?  In any case, the book I found is called (fun for Sandman fans) "Preludes and Knock-Knock Jokes."  ::snicker::
Isn't she beautiful?

All right, now for a list of the things I am happy about.

Cat and I are now FINALLY in the clear monetarily.  To whom do I owe money?  Now's the time to remind me!

I got to go on a book shopping spree recently.  A few treasures:  I've finally bougt Sandman (all but two vlumes), some manga, and a few novels.  Also a lot of novels that have been missing from my collection (Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh, for one) are now waiting to be shelved.

I am thrilled to be in a community where I can be openly in love with someone of the same gender as myself.  Where it's neither freaky or awful to be gay.  I've never, in fact, been more thrilled to be in love with Cat.

In general, I've been feeling goo-ily lovey-dovey about Cat lately.  Maybe it's the wedding... which may have to be postponed on account of Mark having a premonition.  ::sigh::  Never announce a date before the invitations are sent!

Good music.  I am so thrilled to hear good music.

I'm happy to have a few things on the walls now.  I really missed artwork up.

All right, that should be enough to keep the angst/depression at bay for a bit.
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