Satal de Rihannsu (satal) wrote,
Satal de Rihannsu

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Why Sata has been a) mopey, b) absent, c) (insert complaint here)

Mostly, right now I'm excited about my new icon.  I made it off of one of Yayoi Neko's artworks, one my my favourites.  In general, I love Yaoi Neko's work.  She is masterful in terms of anatomy and elegance, and versed in Perfect Touch of Humour (tm).  She's taught me how to appreciate male-like men (as opposed to pretty boys only), and where to see a differently nuanced aesthetic.  I remember when devilkitten1 first brought home a copy of Incubus.  I was only marginally enthused, as I was a newbie to manga/anime.  I simply didn't understand what had been presented to me.  Now, she's one of my all time favourite manga-kas.

Um, heh.  Went on a bit of a rant.  But really, she's awesome!

I have not posted here in a long time, because I have NO T IME.  Right now, I'm off of work (for once), and therefore LJ is the first thing to get the nix.  I've been checking daily, though, to make sure that none of my friends have any life-threatening disastors.

Thus far, no one's in trouble, are they?  Ok, good.

Had a bit of a freakout this past week.  My bank account is about to be emptied because my roommates have run into monetary difficulties.  Absorbing two rounds of rent is kind of painful (not to mention terrifying, with the constant threat of bank failure).  We also had a power bill over $330.  Such a huge bill made me more than stressed.

In addition to this, I also calculated my free time.  Here's how it works out:

There are 168 hours in a seven-day week.168
I am in class 15 hours.-15
General guidelines say I should study 3 hours for every hour in class: 45-45
I work 15 hours a week, at least-15
I'd like to sleep 8 hours a day: 56-56
I'd like three meals a day, allocating an hour per meal for procurement and eating: 21-21
I commute to school, an hour a day min, but sometimes more: 7-7
Grand total remainder9

That's right.  Nine hours.  I did have it worked up to 5 hours left over a week at one point.  I can't remember, though, off the top of my head, what the other four went for.  ::shrugs::

So there's some stress and panic in this corner.

I'e not been working very much on DFC at all.  I'm getting a bit nervous about Nekocon.  Not for any real reason -- after all, just a bit of portfolio tweaking should be all I'm doing, since Otakon was such a bust.  Our stock is still in great shape.  I'm still in awe, however, that Otakon was such a bust.

School, additionally, is not going well.  You see, I decided to be a mathematics major because I was one of the only kids who could actually get the materal.  However, when I was admitted to VCU, I applied to the Honors College.  Since my last round of college at VCU was... well... GPA 2.73, if you get my meaning... I was readmitted to the Honors College on probation, with the understanding that I make all A's on 15 credits a semester.  Pshew.  I don't know if that's going to be possible.  I was freaking out about not being able to achieve as much as I wanted.

The stress has been making Cat and me fight.  A lot.  It sucks.  A lot.  We're okay?  I think?  But I get bitchy, and Cat gets aggressive, and everything sucks for a little while.

Roommates, messy house, money worries, scholastic worries, mate trouble....

And on top of it all, the fear and nagging pain of redefining myself.

I've long considered myself a paladin -- wanting to serve, to foster goodness, to do battle with evil, to protect and save and inspire, to heal and cure.

I wanted to be strong and intelligent and capable.

I find myself not so much.

My greatest fear in all life is this:  to be the guy with the not-quite-drawn in features in the background of the comic panel, right before the superhero stealthily swoops in to save the day... and I know nothing about it.

I want to have a face.

I'd really like to have armour, or at least a costume.  I WANT TO BE SIGNIFICANT GODDAMNIT!  But I can't prove myself worthy, even in the smallest measure.  I have become utterly mediocre in terms of scholastics (realised that I am NOT a genius, after all; just a bit bright), I am not mighty (I couldn't even haul a cabinet up a set of stairs -- admittedly, it was huge, and the stairs were rickety... but the other two people involved did manage), and I am not The Leader, as I had so long thought of myself.

The immediate misery and emo-shit has moved on a little bit, but the darkness is still there.  I want to perhaps get counselling, but two things prevent me:  Time (as you might have noticed) and desire.  The desire springs from the fact that I know this is self-indulgent bullshit, and I don't want to have someone else just telling me that.  I should just be able to pull myself out of this, allow that I am never going to match my desires, hopes, and standards, and go on with life as an (GULP) average, normal person.

Those words bring me to tears.

So, what can I do with myself to make myself most useful in the world?  Since I've established that I can't save the world (being too weak and un-mighty), what can I do instead?

All right, enough of the mope-mope-mope.

I'm going to try to work my hardest nonetheless.  Even though I'm terrified and can clearly see before me failure, I'll be working as hard as I can to prevent that.  I've been preparing notes for study.  Hard, hard study.  Writing further is simply avoiding it.

But why do I feel the constant press of uselessness upon me?  Will I forever be doomed to hope for better while I fail in all areas?
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